Sunday, November 30, 2014

Jennifer Kimpton; a Human Trafficking Survivor VOICE for Victims; Survivors Ink; Anti-Human Trafficking Advocate.

Make a Stand for women and children sold into sex slavery. Speak Up. Be a Voice

'Property Of' Permanently On Her Groin. Amazingly, This Story Has A Happy Ending."

"Tattoos have meaning. Sure, there are exceptions to the rule (that ice cream cone you got on your ankle at a drunken beach party during spring break), but the ideal scenario, tattoos represent a choice made of free will to have something beautiful and meaningful permanently engraved on your body. Unfortunately for many women, free will and beauty aren't part of the equation.

Meet Jennifer Kimpton


Jen had a pretty rough childhood, experiencing poverty, abuse, and sexual assault. As she grew up, Jen did whatever she needed to do to survive, and after a series of abusive relationships, she felt like she had finally met The One. 
But things aren't always what they seem. Her boyfriend, a man who she trusted and loved, a man who abused her and got her hooked on intravenous drugs, ultimately sold her to a gang for drugs and money.

Her story, while absolutely tragic, is not unlike that of thousands of other women and children sold into sex slavery each year.

While it is impossible to get an accurate count of exactly how many, here's what we do know: The Polaris Project estimates that there are 27 million people in modern-day slavery around the world. 
That same data says that 70% of the women in that group are victims of sex trafficking. And yes, it does happen here in the United States. In fact, Jen's story, which starts in her youth, highlights one of the saddest facts: It 2000, it was estimated that in 244,000 children and youth in the United States were at risk of child sexual exploitation. (I know that was a lot of really depressing information right up front, but trust me, it gets better and less stat-heavy. Just needed to set the stage.)
Needless to say, Jen experienced some pretty terrible horrors during her time being trafficked, not the least of which was something known as "branding." Tattoo artists were placed in the drug houses to brand the girls with gang insignia and other markings to claim ownership over them.
 Jen ended up with gang signs on her neck, several tattoos with the name of her boyfriend, and in one of the sickest moves of all, the phrase "Property of" imprinted right above her genital area. 
Those tattoos remained long after she was able to break free and were constant reminders of her sexual exploitation nightmare. Wait. Did you catch that? The use of the word "was"? That's right.

Today Jennifer is a survivor."




Source and Full Story

Monday, November 10, 2014

"What is modern witchcraft, and why is a specifically feminist witchcraft needed?"

"Many people who consider themselves to be contemporary "witches" or "pagans" feel they are reviving a millennia-old spirituality. Some harken back to cultures that worshipped Goddesses as well as Gods, and were led by priestesses and wise elder women.

Others see their origins in paleolithic ceremonial magical groups. Some identify with "New Age" thinking; many do not use that label. It is generally believed that all witches are pagan (in worldview), but not all pagans are witches. (For more details, see Drawing Down the Moon, by Margot Adler, revised edition.)

As a religion, witchcraft focuses on working with nature, on psychic development and on direct personal relationships with Deity (Goddesses, or Goddess and God). It emphasizes balance, learning, and responsibility. As a pre-Christian, Goddess-oriented religion, witchcraft encourages female leadership, and many of its practioners are feminist or sympathetic to feminism.

Witchcraft is often called by its older Anglo-Saxon names: wicce or wicca. The Old English neutral plural for witches is wiccan, although some witches today say "wiccans." Although the masculine term wicca is most often used (which I consider symptomatic of the internal sexism of modern witchcraft), the Anglo-Saxon Old English term for the religion, and the term I use, is wiccecraeft.

A Real Wise Woman Challenges The Stereotypes and reveals the on-going persecution of "Witches"

Witchcraft is sometimes viewed as being "evil." This mentality fueled the witch-hunting inquisitions centuries ago, and is responsible for attacks against real witches and powerful women around the world today.

For instance, in 1985, three women in Zimbabwe were shot and killed by a group of men who accused them of being witches.

At least 20 women in West Bengal, India were killed as suspected witches in 1987. In 1989, women in eastern India were murdered after they were accused of being witches and casting "evil spells;" one of them was dragged from her hut, tied to a tree and slaughtered with an ax by two male neighbors, only one of whom was apprehended by police.

In 1990, in Venda - the nominally independent Black homeland set up by South Africa - an angry crowd set fire to an inhabited home, fatally burning two infants, because they believed the parents were involved in witchcraft.

By the late 1980s, witchcraft was a crime in several nations. In 1987, the West African nation of Benin declared that practicing witchcraft or magic was punishable by death or 10 to 20 years hard labor. The South American nation of Ecuador banned witches, fortune tellers and natural healers in 1989. Beginning in the mid-1980s, right-wing groups in the United States attacked "witchcraft" in an attempt to disrupt and control the public right to freedom of expression.

In 1985, parents' groups in at least 20 states, under the leadership of right-wing anti- feminist leader Phyllis Schlafly, demanded that public schools get parents' written permission for classroom discussions and curriculum material on a variety of topics, including witchcraft, abortion, social roles of men and women, homosexuality, human sexuality, and Eastern mysticism.

A lawsuit filed by one such group, Citizens Organized for Better Schools' (Mozart v. Hawkins County School System), charged that an elementary reading series published by Holt, Rinehart & Winston was teaching witchcraft, situation ethics, disrespect for parental authority, evolution and secular humanism.

More recent attacks have included Nathaniel Hawthorne's classic novel, The Scarlet Letter, for dealing with witchcraft and religion, and Frank Baum's timeless fantasy, The Wizard of Oz, for presenting a positive witch (Glinda the Good).

Also in 1985, newspaper and TV reports on child abuse and possible murder cases started using the terms "witchcraft," "occult," and "Satanism" almost interchangeably.

In August of that year, Rep. Robert Walker (R-PA) introduced an act to remove tax-exempt status from religious groups based on witchcraft, which indicated that a real witch hunt was developing. Then, Sen. Jesse Helms (R-NC), a powerful right- wing politician linked to ultrafundamentalist Christianity and censorship, got involved.

On The Issues Magazine: By the late 1980s, witchcraft was a crime in several nations.
Helms introduced Amendment 705 to the fiscal 1986 Treasury and Post Office appropriations bill, HR 3036 in September 1985. Helms' amendment, which specified, "No funds appropriated under this Act shall be used to grant, maintain, or allow tax exemption to any cult, organization, or other group that has as a purpose, or that has any interest in, the promoting of satanism or witchcraft," was passed by voice vote, without dissent or debate in the Senate. "Witchcraft" was defined by Helms as "the use of powers derived from evil spirits, the use of sorcery, or the use of supernatural powers with malicious intent."

Helms' amendment was meant to cut off tax and postal privileges for any group that he disfavored by fitting them within the vague definitions of the amendment. Both the American Civil Liberties Union (A.C.L.U.) and the Internal Revenue Service (I.R.S.) opposed the amendment, and the A.C.L.U. argued against the government's ability to define which religions are considered legitimate.

After a barrage of protests by witches and non-witches alike, the House-Senate conferees quietly dropped the amendment "on a technicality."

Historically, witch hunters have attacked not only unconventional religions, but independent, powerful, and publicly visible women.

A modern witch hunt of this type occurred recently in Beulah, North Dakota, when two men plotted to murder 61-year-old Karina Singer because neighbors thought she was a dangerous "witch."

This case was reminiscent of witch hunting over several centuries.

Karina Singer had lived in the area for %\ years. She and her husband John were farm owners who wanted to turn their farm into what Singer termed "a place of beauty and peace," where friends could visit for extended vacations.

In fall, 1989, the couple laid down two Native American "medicine wheels," or rock configurations, "for the healing of the land." John died of cancer the following April, but Karina continued the work. She had a guest house built and a pit burned in the yard.

When Singer had two other women visit the farm in the summer of 1990, she was unaware that rumors about her had been circulating for years. As Mercer County State's Attorney Alan Duppler later reported, "There have been rumors flying around Mercer County that these three ladies are witches and they're sacrificing animals and doing general cult type things."

According to the story, the guest house was a church, and visitors were seen dancing around a pit fire. (The "dancers" were apparently construction workers putting out grass fires started by sparks from the newly burned pit in the yard.)

When Jim Reppen, who worked for a tire service company, and Dean Unterseher, a farmer, heard the story, they "decided they were going to go down and eliminate the problem," says Duppler. Reppen and Unterseher, both armed, were arrested on Singer's farm in August and charged with conspiring to murder her.

"I'm stunned my neighbors could believe these things when we lived here 21 years," Singer said. "And instead of calling me to find out if they were true, they circulated them around until they became like an atomic blast mushrooming out of the prairie."

Karina Singer was an independent landowner, with different spiritual interests from those of her neighbors. She is one of many women - including feminist politicians - who are faced with modern-day witch hunting.

In reality, witchcraft is far from negative or evil. My definition of "witch" is a priestess or priest of wiccecraeft skilled in healing and psychic work and occult magic: A person able to bend or reshape universal energies, or an independent, uppity, powerful, or daring woman.

I define a "feminist" as a female or male who is female-centered or female-oriented; or a person who is not prejudiced against others because of their gender or sexual preferences; or anyone who, in a patriarchal society, works toward the political, economic, spiritual, sexual, and social equality of women.

Modern witchcraft includes a variety of denominations, or "traditions." The most feminist of these is the Dianic tradition, named for the Roman Goddess Diana, woodland Goddess of Freedom, huntress, and patroness of witches. One branch of Dianic witchcraft includes women and men as practitioners, and honors the God (of Nature, Love, etc.) as well as the Great Goddess.

Another branch is lesbian and separatist, refusing to acknowledge males either as practitioners or in the form of Diety (which may be considered reverse sexism).

Some witchcraft denominations often have female leaders and, to an extent, honor the Goddess. But others practice antiwomen sexism, and few witchcraft practitioners of any denomination are overtly involved in feminist issues (though a portion are in peace or ecology groups).

During the past two decades, American feminists have changed much of the outward look of witchcraft. There are more female leaders visible, and there is a great deal more emphasis on Goddess culture.

But, despite the long human heritage of Goddess worship around the world, and despite the reality that European witch hunts that lasted for centuries were primarily directed against women, contemporary witchcraft includes and accepts sexists, people who have conducted internal witch hunts, and other kinds of bigots.

And witchcraft too often tends to speak in male terms, to assume a greater importance for male deities and male spokespeople, and to assume antifeminist or antigay rights stances.

On The Issues Magazine: Witchcraft was defined by Jesse Helms as the use of powers derived from evil spirits.

Feminists involved in witchcraft have made a difference, however. The foundation of witchcraft is rooted in female power and female concerns. Much can be learned from feminist witchcraft that one can find useful as a feminist. Because Dianic witchcraft emphasizes the perception of universal creativity and energy as feminine, as the Goddess, women are thereby empowered as vital and important beings in the universe.

So, it becomes natural to assume that: Women are creative in all ways; women are leaders; women have a deciding voice in all that matters to them; women are responsible for their actions; women are able to communicate directly with Deity (or universal energy or Nature); and women have sexual freedom, reproductive rights, and the right to define their bodily lives.

Feminist witchcraft encourages the development of intuition as an effective part of human life. Each human being has intuition, an inner voice, a way of deciding quickly what is right or wrong for oneself, and what to do about it.

Western culture denies the intuitive judgment, and favors a rational, logical, statistical, or factual approach. Both intuition and logic are necessary for a well-balanced life. My intuition has helped me stay out of potentially dangerous situations, has led me to teach myself to meditate and to learn something about Yoga and T'ai Chi.

Feminist witchcraft also offers positive ways to view and change body images. Witches believe in self-blessings. Each of us is seen as being part of divine energy, of the Goddess and the God. And every part and process of the human body is considered sacred. So, one way to pray to the Goddess/God is to bless one's self and the basic parts of one's body.

As I have learned to trust myself and appreciate my body more, I have come to respect the functions of my body. In blessing my body, I learned that my flesh is really alive, composed of living cells that do respond to my needs.


I also learned to bless the coming and going of my monthly period of blood by honoring the Goddess in myself: "She who bleeds, yet does not die."

Feminist witchcraft focuses on the cyclical patterns of our lives: The moon, the sun, other stars, and the universe.

As I became more aware of my personal patterns, I grew more tolerant of my need for solitude, for writing, and for periods of fervent feminist political activity and meetings. I learned to balance more evenly the processes of giving and accepting love. And I learned to do something I thought impossible - to perceive the artist in myself. Cultural creativity - work educated to the Muses and Pan - is encouraged in feminist witchcraft.

Witches are very interested in herbal knowledge and in learning to heal oneself, others, even the earth. And many witches are in various kinds of healing professions or vocations.

Witches generally believe in reincarnation, in a cycle of life after life filled with learning. As I learned to see my life as one of a number of lifetimes, I also learned not to be afraid of death. I now see death as brother to the Goddess of Life and Love (as in the myth of Ishtar and the Lord of Death), or death as the sister-self of the Goddess-on-Earth (as in the Egyptian view of Nephthys below and Isis above, or the Greek views of Persephone
underground and Demeter aboveground).

The knowledge of healing methods can include not only ways to make life easier and healthier, but also ways to ease the passing of life into death. Sometimes death is a peaceful passage from one stage of existence to another. In 1970, my 30-year-old brother died of cancer.

I priestessed him - counseling him, sending him energy, advising him, sharing with him the psychic experiences that often occur to the dying person. I aided my brother to face death as a journey, neither frightening nor extraordinary.

I discovered that many Americans don't know how to deal with dying and death. Though many nurses are aware of the needs of a dying person and try hard to help, most of the doctors I contacted were unwilling or unable to deal personally with dying patients. The process of dying is made much more painful than it need be for many people in hospitals in this country.

When I perceive death as brother to the Goddess, I feel He is kind to Her daughters, and understanding, and helpful to all who need to pass on to her levels of being. When I personify death as sister to the Goddess, I feel she welcomes her children and renews us, readies us for rebirth, and helps us learn in harmony and peace. We are always moving from living towards dying and beyond, as trees and flowers in nature move through stages of existence and seeming (but only temporary) nonexistence.

Feminist witchcraft offers the feminist movement other helpful theological or philosophical perceptions of life: The process you use is as important as, or even more important than, your goal; balance is important in the ways we live; the energy you send out will return to you at least threefold (whether the energy is in thought or deed); learn to perceive the cycles of events (for example, the Equal Rights Amendment will not die, but efforts to place it into law go through cycles that wane and then wax forth); and human beings need the mystery and security of identifying with Mother Nature or Mother Earth.

Although modern witchcraft reflects some of the basic societal ills of our time, and although many witches today do not practice all they preach, there is much that feminist witchcraft offers to feminists and the feminist movement. If you are drawn to it, be careful and don't check your principles or your feminism at the gate. For those not so inclined, there is still much to be learned from witchcraft about ourselves and our place in nature."

Source
http://www.ontheissuesmagazine.com/1992summer/summer1992_Forfreedom.php

"Dianic Feminist Wicca/Witchcraft Tradition is woman and Goddess-centered denomination of the Neopagan “Old Religion.”

"Dianic Feminist Wicca/Witchcraft Tradition is woman and Goddess-centered denomination of the Neopagan “Old Religion.” 

The Dianic Tradition was founded by author, feminist activist and founder of the Women’s Spirituality Movement Zsuzsanna “Z” Emese Budapest in 1971, Venice Beach, California. (1)

On winter’s solstice in 1971, Z Budapest also established the first Dianic coven, called the Susan B. Anthony Coven Number One. (1) This coven still exists to this day, and has expanded its influences globally as well as virtually with an internet presence within Z Budapest’s Dianic Wicca University Online (2), a Goddess blog (3) and a monthly e-zine called Goddess.(4)

From 1971 to 1980, Z Budapest served as the founder and high priestess of the Susan B. Anthony Coven Number One, but in 1980 she made the decision to moved from Venice Beach in southern California to Oakland in northern California. The position of High Priestess of the Susan B. Anthony Coven Number One was ordained upon Ruth Barrett by Z Budapest.

Ruth soon renamed the coven to Moon Birch Grove, and then five years later renamed it again to Circle of Aradia; which still exists to this day. (5)

As perhaps the most world renown coven by name, the Susan B. Anthony Coven Number One was resurrected by Z Budapest in 2007 and now has a global presence as both a live and virtual coven offering a Dianic Wicca Clergy Priestess Training program. (6)

Prior to 1980, there were no ordinations within the Dianic Tradition. But after Z Budapest had ordained Ruth Barrett, she realized that there were other worthy women who were creating Dianic communities following in her example and practicing her teachings.

Z decided to establish what has come to be known as “Queendoms.” Between 1980 and 2009 (to-date), Z Budapest has granted thirteen such Queendom High Priestess ordinations. Queendoms require that every ten years, each High Priestess must train and ordain at least one other High Priestess. Failure to do so results in the High Priestess losing her “crown” and she is no longer recognized as an active High Priestess by the lineages associated with Z Budapest. Several of these women did allow their crowns to lapse.

What about the others who claim they are the true Dianic tradition?

Z met Morgan McFarland back when the Women's Spirituality Movement was young, during the trip Z and Helen Beardwoman took across the United States. McFarland was never crowned and never ordained by Z Budapest. At the time she met Z, she had an active all-female coven practicing together in the state of Texas, but according to Z McFarland's husband was there too. McFarland, according to Z, practiced a blend of Dianic and Gardnarian traditions.

Morgan McFarland, took the Dianic tradition to a place it was never meant to go when she began admitting men into her worship space and classes. In fact, Morgan McFarland went so far as to ordain her husband into her version of the Dianic tradition, thus creating the beginnings of controversy and issues of separatism. Morgan McFarland then promptly divorced her husband, but he continued to teach and propagate his own brand of Dianic philosophies. Thus, the Morgan McFarland Dianic tradition is not the same as the Z Budapest Dianic tradition.

The result of the creation of the McFarland Dianic tradition has been that the original Dianic tradition has had to redefine itself to distance itself from theMcFarlands. Thus, you will see reference to the Feminist Wicca, Feminist Dianic, Feminist Tradition and Feminist Witchcraft, which are all the same as Z Budapest’s women-centered, all female Dianic tradition.

There also exists another Dianic tradition which admits men, which was founded by Ann Forfreedom in Oakland, California. This tradition has no known lineage to Z Budapest's Dianic tradition. Not surprisingly, this version of Dianic tradition has also been inflamitory with regards to seperatism and lesbianism.

All of which bring us to the next topic, which is that the Dianic tradition is not and never has been seperatist nor solely for lesbians. What it has been is an all female women-centered theology that focuses solely on women's mysteries. The Dianic acknowledge the existence of men's mysteries and encourage the men to embrace them.

Z Budapest's Dianic tradition is very specific on this topic. She can be quoted as stating, "We always recognize, when we say "Goddess," that She is the Life-giver, the Life-sustainer. She is Mother Nature." (7)

"There are only two kinds of people in the world: mothers and their children. Mothers can give life to each other as well as to men, who are not able to do the same for themselves. This constitutes a dependency upon the Female Life Force for life renewed, and was accepted naturally in ancient times by our ancient forebearers as a sacred gift of the Goddess. 


In patriarchal times this sacred gift was turned against women, and used to force them to give up roles of independence and power." (8)

"Our sons, our Sacred Children, were not raised as traitors [reference to the word warlock], but as lovers of life, lovers of women, brothers or lovers to each other, helpers of the Goddess in the most essential skill of nurturing. Sons of the mothers in Goddess-worship became Kouretes, members of the Goddess-serving priesthood." (8)

Thus it was established by Z Budapest at the inception of the Dianic tradition, that there existed a counter-part all male tradition known as the Kouretes. 

The Dianic tradition does not espouse seperatism, instead it embraces the differences between the male and the female as given by the Goddess, Mother Nature.

Practicing Dianic Witchcraft does not preclude any woman from also participating with males under the auspicies of other traditions. 

The Dianic tradition simply stated, is a pure recognition of that which is all-female by those who are women-born-women within the sacredness of divine Goddess worship. Seperatism of any kind has no foundation within the original Dianic tradition as founded by Z Budapest.

1. Budapest, Zsuzsanna. The Holy Book of Women's Mysteries. Red Wheel/Weiser, 2007, page xvi.
2. Dianic Wicca University Online (http://wicca.dianic-wicca.com)
3. Goddess blog (http:// the-goddess.net/goddess)
4. Goddess magazine (http://issuu.com/zbudapest/docs/goddess)
5. Falcon River (2004) The Dianic Wiccan Tradition. From The Witches Voice. Retrieved 2009-07-05.
6. Susan B. Anthony Coven Number One (www.dianic-wicca.com)
7. Budapest, Zsuzsanna. The Holy Book of Women's Mysteries. Red Wheel/Weiser, 2007, page xvii.
8. Budapest, Zsuzsanna. The Holy Book of Women's Mysteries. Red Wheel/Weiser, 2007, page 183."

Source and Lot's more Great Goddess Information
http://dianic-wicca.com/dianic-wicca-tradition.html

Pentagram Pendants: Their Meanings And Synthesis

Portrait of a Witch with Zsuzsanna Budapest

Vicci Martinez - Come Along. "Make a Statement" "Take A Stand"

Dianic WITCHCRAFT: Summoning the FATES

As Goddess of Light, Diana became associated with the Germanic Goddess of Light, Lucia. In some places, the two Goddesses became interchageable.

The Susun Weed Show ~ Butter: The Super Food and Foods of Natives

Dianic Witchcraft - Women YOU too are God. Goddess Worship

Dianic Wicca ~ FOCUS on the Worship of the GODDESS and on Feminism.

"Dianic Wicca, also known as Dianic Witchcraft and Dianic Feminist Witchcraft,[1] is a tradition, or denomination, of the neopagan religion of Wicca. It was founded by Zsuzsanna Budapest in the United States in the 1970s, and is notable for its focus on the worship of the Goddess, and on feminism

It combines elements of British Traditional Wicca, Italian folk-magic recorded in Charles Leland's Aradia, feminist values, and ritual, folk magic, and healing practices Budapest learned from her mother."

"Most Dianic Wiccans as "positive path" practitioners do neither manipulative spellwork nor hexing because it goes against the Wiccan Rede; other Dianic witches (notably Zsuzsanna Budapest) do not consider hexing or binding of those who attack women to be wrong."

Source and Full Article
https://www.princeton.edu/~achaney/tmve/wiki100k/docs/Dianic_Wicca.html

Monday, November 3, 2014

"This Is Why I Didn’t Tell You He Was Beating Me Understanding the mind-set of a victim of domestic violence is almost impossible to do."

"When I fled my abusive relationship for the last time (yes, I left and went back), one of the first things my well-meaning friends and family asked was why I never told them what was happening to me.

“Why didn’t you say something,” they’d ask, looking concerned and confused.  “I could have helped you. I could have done something!”

And I believe them. Had they known how horrible my life had become, I have no doubt that they would have done their best to help me.

But all this happened more than twenty years ago. Today, I’m healed, emotionally healthy, and over it—and have the clarity of hindsight to see that my friends and family would have helped me.

But back then, not so much. Because when you’re in the thick of things, in the middle of a Hell that you’re convinced is of your own making, you can’t see anything clearly.

Fear and shame consume you—they’re your constant companions.

And when you look at your family and friends, you often can only see judgment and derision. You know their opinions about women who stay in abusive relationships.

Consider this scenario: You have a childhood friend with whom you’ve always been close. Lately, she’s not around as much as she used to be. You assume it’s because she’s all wrapped up in her new relationship. And at first she was. When things were new, she couldn’t get enough of him. They spent nearly every waking moment together.

But back then, you still heard from her—she called you. And even though she mostly just bragged about her new love, it didn’t matter. She was happy.

Then the calls became less frequent. And when you called her, she’d rush off the phone, sounding hurried and distracted. Mutual friends casually mentioned that they hadn’t seen her in a while. “It’s her new guy,” you’d tell each other. “They’re never apart these days.”

Soon you get used to her absence, to not talking to her as often. You miss her, but you don’t want to be that friend who seems like she’s trying to sabotage her new love.

One day you bump into her at the grocery store, and you’re shocked by her appearance. She’d always been so meticulous about how she dressed, especially in public. And now she’s wearing sweat pants—she’d never be caught dead wearing those outside of the house or gym!

Yet here she is, not only in sweats, but they’re stained, and she’s wearing a baggy T-shirt, her hair, usually perfectly coiffed, now pulled into a sloppy ponytail. Her fingernails are ragged and unpolished.

She looks tired.

But you’re so happy to see her you pull her into a tight hug. She stiffens in your arms, as though she’s in pain. You let go—surprised. And then you take a really good look at her face.

She won’t meet your eyes.  Her mouth trembles a little, and her lips are chapped. Is that a fading bruise on her cheek? You’re thinking. No, it must be the lighting.

You exchange pleasantries, but you can tell she’s not really engaged in the conversation. You get the feeling that she wants to leave … that she’s not really happy to see you.  You feel uncomfortable, but you can’t exactly put your finger on why.

“How are you?” You ask again, only this time you mean it.

“Fine,” she answers briskly. “Really, I’m fine. Just in a hurry. I need to get home.”

“I won’t keep you, then.”

Something tells you she isn’t fine at all. 

You have an inexplicable urge to pull her into your arms again, but you don’t. Against your better judgment, you ignore your instincts and send her on her way. And in your gut you know that something is terribly wrong with your once outgoing, vivacious, beautiful friend.

Here’s what you don’t know: Your friend would love nothing more than to fall into your arms and ask for help. But she won’t. She can’t. She’s too ashamed. As awful as you think she looks, she believes she looks even worse. In a relatively short period of time, her boyfriend has gotten into her head and convinced her that she’s ugly, stupid, and worthless.

Your friend no longer puts any effort into her looks because he’ll either accuse her of dressing up for some “other man,” or he’ll just tell her she looks like crap anyway—so there’s no point in trying anymore.

Sweatpants are her new best friend.

She doesn’t call anymore because she’s embarrassed by her life. That wonderful guy she bragged about in the beginning has turned into a monster.

And she knows that if her friends knew how bad things were, they’d think she was just as stupid as he says she is—and maybe she is. After all, she still loves him. So maybe she’s getting exactly what she deserves. At least that’s what she thinks.

You don’t see her as much because that’s what abusers do: They isolate their victims from friends and family. They do it subtly, though. He’d never go so far as to say that she isn’t allowed to see you—that’s too direct and he’s much smarter than that. Instead he manipulates her into staying away by doing things like picking a fight with her when she comes home.

That way, the next time you invite her out, she’ll decline in order to avoid another fight. Or he’ll accuse her of loving her friends more than him. So that she’ll stay home instead of upsetting him. He uses her love for him like a weapon.

And those fights she’s so eager to avoid? “Fight” isn’t exactly the right word, not when she always ends up sprawled on the floor. At first, it was more yelling than anything. She could hold her own back then. She always did have an acid tongue. But then he became cruel, saying things that cut her to her core. And he twisted her words and used them against her.

And all the while, he was playing the wounded one who couldn’t understand how she could treat him so badly when he loved her so much. There were the accusations and recriminations, wild scenarios forged in the deep valleys of his twisted mind. Her smart mouth never stood a chance against his emotional brutality.

By the time the first punch landed on her jaw, her psyche had been beaten to a pulp. And don’t be fooled by the shell of a woman you just saw at the grocery store. She used to fight back. She even got a few good punches in, especially that first time. But he’s stronger than her. Bigger than her. He’s been throwing punches all his life and she never even got a spanking as a child, so she never stood a chance against him physically, either.

You ask yourself, If it’s so bad for her, why didn’t she say something to me? I was right there! We’ve been friends since childhood. Surely she knows that I would help her!

Does she know that, though? Does she really? Or does she look at you, her childhood friend, and remember the time you said, “I don’t understand why women stay with men who hit them”?

Remember when the Ray Rice abuse story first broke, and you all were having drinks? Remember what you said? You said, “If a man beats me once, shame on him; if he beats me twice, shame on me. That woman was an idiot for marrying him after what he did to her in that elevator!”

Your friend remembers those words. And even though she knows you love and support her, she can’t help but wonder how she’d change in your eyes if you knew what was really happening. Understand that she wants desperately to leave her current situation, but doesn’t know how. She may also be convinced her abuser will hurt whoever does try to help her. Remember, he’s in her head, even when he’s not beating her.

Trust your instincts, though. You know your friend. And from that encounter in the store, you know that something is definitely wrong. So please, don’t be afraid to follow up with her.

Start with a phone call. But ease into it: Don’t immediately launch into how you think she’s being abused, or anything like that. If her abuser’s at home when you call, she won’t say anything of substance, anyway. You simply want to convey the message that you’re concerned and want to help. Keep your words loving and gentle—and pressure-free.

Say something like, “I know you’re busy now. But when you have a few minutes to yourself, give me a call. I’m worried about you and want to help. I love you.”  Keep the call brief, but be clear: You’re worried, you want to help, and you love her.

If she doesn’t call back right away, call her again. Keep reaching out to her. Try to reach her when you know she’s alone or at least away from him. Remember, your goal is to help, not endanger her any further.

Be prepared for her denials. Shame, guilt, fear, and even worry for your safety will keep her from opening up to you. Just gently remind her that if she’s in the kind of trouble you suspect, she has no reason to be ashamed. You love and respect her, and just want to help.

The reality is that gentle persuasion may not work. Real intervention, possibly involving law enforcement may be required. If that’s the case, don’t attempt to handle this on your own. Involve other friends and family, and most importantly, seek professional guidance from the experts. Call the National Domestic Hotline at 1-800-779-7233. Let the experts help you help her.

You need to know that an abuse victim leaves her abuser on average seven times before she leaves for good. So, even if your friend leaves this time, she may go back.

This is where your friendship will really be tested. You’ll be disappointed and even angry that, after all the work you did to help her escape, she willingly goes back. And your anger is understandable.

But an abuser’s most lethal weapon is his ability to manipulate his victim’s mind. Breaking his hold on your friend will take time, patience, professional help, and a whole lot of hard work on her part. You just have to keep loving and supporting her, even when she disappoints you. 
Try to resist judging her: It will only make things worse.

It’s painful to watch someone you love suffer domestic abuse. It’s also hard to understand why women stay with or return to the men that hurt them. But leaving is far more difficult than people think. Fear, lack of financial resources, and shame are just a few of the reasons women stay (or return). If children are involved, it’s even more complicated.

Many women truly have nowhere to go. Shelters fill up fast and are few and far between. And sadly, as far as we’ve come in this country with regards to strengthening laws to protect women, it’s still way too easy for abusers to track down their victims and murder them. So some women just stay, hoping to survive another day.

As friends and supporters of abuse victims, we need to be more educated about the dynamics and mechanics of domestic violence. And most of all, we need to shed our own preconceived notions about the victims. They need our support and empathy. I learned that the hard way. I used to sit in judgment of women who stayed with their abusers, too. And I stayed on that high horse until the man I loved knocked me off with a punch.

Source
http://www.damemagazine.com/2014/10/29/why-i-didnt-tell-you-he-was-beating-me

Reverend Crystal Cox
House of Songi
Bringing Back Goddess Church
ReverendCrystalCox@Gmail.com